Reintegration

I have always been very self aware in general. I don't like the idea of fooling myself in to believing a lie only to let other people down when they see the truth. This is different. This is a new level of honesty with myself and its hard. The realities I am currently facing are such that they can tear my whole identity apart. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but 1. I'm Irish so, yeah, it is probably a bit dramatic and 2. I live a very carefully constructed life built on chosen beliefs. My identity is tied to a value system based in the necessity to hold these beliefs in place. They, and nothing else, are my “moral compass”.

But they are on;y half truths.

Surrender them to the light of day and they will turn to ash because the other half is the foundation. The part I keep so neatly locked away is the experiential knowledge...the ugly truths. I don't know how to reconcile them. In fact...they will not be reconciled. They are so adverse to one another that they cannot exist ont the same space. This I know far too well...and so...in the words of Offspring,

“you gotto keep em separated”

This fragmenting of my realities has taken its toll though and now, rather than a whole person with a truth and an identity I am less than half of a whole and that torn and confused.

I feel like a very old American flag...you know the ones...they have been up on that flagpole too long. They've lost their leading edge to the elements eons before. Their colors are faded, fabric ripped along the seems. It still is what it is...the banner of America...the symbol of hope and freedom that has led armies in battle and given strength to widows, orphans and immigrants...dut somehow...it's so much less than it was meant to be. It's condition a testimony to the lack of value it's owner places on it's symbolism, it's truth. It's become little more than faded rags that, laid out carefully, holds just a glimpse of its former glory, it's former purpose.

That's how I feel...

After so many years of storms and misuse...I am a shadow of my former self. I have ceased to care for my inner being. I have stopped trying to repair the damages, confident that as soon as I do another flash of lightening will come my way, strike my heart and tear me to shreds once again. I am that flag... tattered, sorry, irreparable. 

That's right...in my current state, I can not be repaired. The damage is too great. There's no quick fix. I can't just pull myself down for a day or two and glue the damaged pieces together. I can't. There are no longer enough pieces of who I was to create a whole picture to work from. It's time to bring everything back together...to open the door between the two halves of my soul and begin the process of reintegration.

And I am afraid.